I Have A Big One

Just like Stephen.

After much admiration of Stephens yesterday, i decided to treat myself to a donkey’s cock sized chicken, bacon and egg salad sandwich. I celebrated the occasion by taking it out of the packet and immediately dressing my desk with it’s contents. I hold the creator of such a monstrosity responsible, as it was due to the excessive bulk of the baguette that this happened – poor thing couldn’t handle it, went mad and buckled as soon as I’d taken it out of its cellophane straight jacket.

Alas, the demise of the sandwich was inevitable as I was ab-so-lutely starving!

Alan Partridge

I’m Alan Partridge is undoubtebly the greatest comedy to have ever existed. Closely followed by BrassEye, The Mighty Boosh, The League Of Gentlemen and Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. All being worthy contenders for the number two spot.

I must have watched both series of Partridge in full at least 127 times and not once has it failed to make me laugh. My favourite episode has to be The Colour Of Alan from Series Two. A bit of the episode that springs to mind is – upon discovering his ditsy Ukrainian girlfriend Sonja shouting at the builders, after their reaction to her scatter cushions wasn’t what she expected, Alan bursts into the room shouting, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That’s English for stop a horse”, before apologising on her behalf and carting her back to the caravan.

I am therefore presenting I’m Alan Partridge with The Spam Fritter Comedy Award. Of which I’m sure Steve Coogan will be most proud of.

Orange Wednesday

Orange Wednesday is once again upon us. And what a brilliant idea it was to give us two-for-the-price-of-one cinema tickets on a day there’s eff all else to do! Genius.

Tonight’s film is Wanted. I’ve heard mixed reviews but I’m going to see for myself. Plus, James McEvoy is an epic actor and Angelina Jolie, or Angie as her friends know her, never fails to entertain.

Last week saw me watching Adulthood, sequel to Kidulthood, both of which I enjoyed. The sequel wasn’t as exciting or as funny but still touched upon issues which people can relate too and hopefully learn from, I’d recommend it. Also, the lady who sold me my tickets thought I was a humble student so I only had to pay £4.80 for two tickets. Must have been the shaggy barnet. Bargain.

Rhyming Slang

The rhyming slang of the day today is, ‘Iron Tank’. Apparently the official meaning for it is bank, but I say otherwise.

Oi Polloi

It was pay day recently was it not? Hopefully you haven’t spent up already, otherwise you’re going to be looking like Christian Bale in The Machinist before the month’s out.

Get yourself something shnazzy for the weekend at Oi Polloi. If you reside in Manchester and can get to the shop easily enough, it’s on Tib Street in The Northern Quarter. If you don’t live nearby, or you just can’t be arsed, go to www.oipolloi.com.

Officially the best shop in Manchester according to The Spam Fritter Awards 2008.

Word

Oh look, another feature. Word of the day, or rather word of the whenever I see fit to post a new word.

Word – hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.
Meaning – The fear of long words.

Early Birds

After a crack down on time keeping the team seem to have nailed it! We’re all here at ten to nine, bright eyed and bushy tailed with brews in hands and bums on seats.

Now, let’s get some work done eh?

Sandwich

Stephen has one. A big one. It’s chicken, bacon and egg salad. He doesn’t know it but I’m peering through the gap in our desk divider watching him caress his sandwich with nothing short of love and adulation. If only it were mine… My little Mug Shot seems somewhat inadequate now. The shame.

It was only two days ago that my girlfriend and I were discussing how good sandwiches are when they come with egg salad. Egg slices of course, not mayonnaise. My mouth is watering at the thought… Should I hit Stephen with the nearest blunt object and take a bite before he finishes?

Too late.

Mug Shot’s

No, I haven’t been arrested. It’s the name of a genius new snack for all you jet setters and go getters out there. These things are definitely the way forward.

Sat in work? Hungry? Not enough time or ingredients to rustle up a culinary masterpiece? Fear not. Simply rip open a Mug Shot, add boiling water and stir! Hey presto, pasta-in-a-mug-in-five-minutes. Genius.

May I recommend the creamy cheese flavour. Available now in all good supermarkets.

Pre-packaged

In case any of you are wondering; a Spam Fritter is a slice of Spam fried in batter. Simple, yet quite genius. And my Grandmother makes them just like Granny used to make them. Second to none.

She’s a lovely woman is Grandma Doreen, but when she just so happened to stumble upon a pre-packaged version of the delicacy whilst accompanying me on my weekly shop, what started as a nice day out rapidly turned into a lengthy lecture on the state of the nation and how the people in it have become so lazy that they can’t even manage to slice a piece of meat and dip it in egg without keeling over in need of a lie down.

A valid point to be made. However, this takes time, so I managed to slip two packets under the Home Fries whilst she wasn’t looking.

Rememories

ASL. Remember that? The reply to which was usually something like, 19/F/Altrincham. No you’re not mate! You’re a 57 year old road sweeper from Dagenham currently salivating over the thought of me, pretending to be an 18 year old bi-sexual female, sending you an erotic picture of myself.

Turns out we were in it for the same reasons. However, i was merely a pubescent teenager hoping to score some nipple. He should have known better.

Behold, we have another feature. Rememories. Well I’m having fun anyway.

Rhyming Slang

The term ‘Spam Fritter’ is also used as rhyming slang for an anus or toilet. I feel i don’t need to elaborate because I do not, repeat, do not endorse this as acceptable useage. I do, however, endorse rhyming slang for other things. Such as ‘Chicken Dinner’ for winner or ‘Short And Stout’ for Kraut. Racist.

Let’s make it a regular feature. Rhyming slang i mean, not racism.

Hello

Welcome to my WordPress.

This is my first post. I have started a blog for no particular reason whatsoever. It’s name – Spam Fritter. This could be because I thought of it as a clever pun linking the flavoursome processed meat treat with the cumbersome method of attracting our attention the perves of this online world have. But it’s not. I simply enjoy Spam. Frittered.

Hello.